Saturday, July 2, 2016
The Spirit Within: The Anniversary Train is coming!
The Spirit Within: The Anniversary Train is coming!: The Anniversary train is coming, I hear the whistle and see the smoke stack filling the clear blue skies with black smoke, it gets closer an...
The Anniversary Train is coming!
The Anniversary train is coming, I hear the whistle and see the smoke stack filling the clear blue skies with black smoke, it gets closer and closer, the smell fills my senses with fear to get on that train, for it is the train of memories from July 14th to today.
This train will take me down a path I don't wish to go, yet the memories help me to heal yes still after three years, this train is filled with mental pictures of a 4th of July gathering with friends at our home, where we laughed and jumped when the neighbor's fire works went off. There are the memories of sitting in the hot tub on the 5th of July and enjoying the oldies but goodies and sharing a glass of wine together and talking about a day trip we were planning to make on our 8th Anniversary on August 6th.
We were excited to plan it out with details about picnics, and where we would stop to share that picnic of lobster rolls, drink and condiments. We decided not to take the GTO as we were off the woods of Maine and surely it would break down, that was just our luck you know. We would even stop at Small Falls and listen to the sounds created by Mother Nature.
Another glass of wine and a few more songs, then it was in the house to put on our night ware and watch a movie on Netflix and eventually crawl in bed where there was peace and tranquility and always cuddle until sleep finally settled in.
The memory of cutting and splitting wood in the intense heat and humidity of July 2013, Seeing the sweat coming through his shirt and he cut on tree length of wood with "perseverance" as he called it, never once complaining he was hot or tired. How he smiled when he was offered an ice cold lemonade, and I watched as he placed the glass on his sweaty brow, knowing how good it felt to him.
The train has a memory of us sitting on the swing, in the evening after dinner and watching the skies turn from hot pink, to purple to dark gray, another day is over "honeybunny" he would say, and all is well on home front.
On Wednesday July 10 we went for a ride in the GTO around the loop, no moose, no deer were seen, but that was ok, another time we thought. There was always tomorrow. On the way home we stopped to see a child hood friend of mine who lives in Skowhegan, he was a Masonic brother to Bill, both bikers so they had something in common besides me. It was fun sharing about my friend Peter Diller on the way home and how he use to run away, just down the road with Fluff and Nestle's Quik and a spoon! Bill laughed, he loved hear about such things.
On Sunday, July 14th after he had read his emails, done a few things on line and had a great breakfast of eggs, ham, home fries, toast and coffee he announced he was going fishing. He was like a little boy, off on an adventure. I watched as he loaded his little boat on the back of his truck with his new wench, made it easier on his old body he said. Poles packed, worms dug and he was off...a kiss and wave and I'll see you at dark thirty with suppah, yes suppah, despite the fact he was a "flat lander; he talked Mainah! He giggled and was on his way! God how I love him I thought.
The Anniversary train brings memories of 8PM when a green truck drives up my drive way, and I think perfect timing, as the salads are sitting on the counter and the skillet is waiting for the catch of the day, but wait it is not Bill, it is someone else!
The Game Warden!!!! I greet him and he introduces himself, and then asks, "Holly did Bill go fishing today?" I grinned and said yes, while my mind thought he maybe forgot his license, but I was soon to learn than was not the case! Holly we found Bill's boat but not Bill!" My ears heard that but my brain did not register, I sat on the steps, and my mind raced. Warden Rick Clowry who soon became a very good friend of mine and my children asked if I had family around, friends who could come by, he would not leave until someone was there with me.
The Anniversary train is moving faster now, it is almost in front of me, I don't want get on, I don't want to remember that day when my family and friends had gathered for word on Bill's where abouts, and then it came, Tuesday, July 16th he had been found in 8 feet of water!
Now if Bill knew of this Anniversary train he would smile at me, shake his head and say, don't get on the train, I am not there Honeybunny! Carry my legacy on in your soul, be careful and be safe out there in this world, if you make mistakes you can fix them that is why "God" put erasers on pencils.
Don't get on the train my sweets, go and remember me for I am alive within you, feel me and love me as you did when I was but a mere human, Don't get on the train it goes no place.......
This train will take me down a path I don't wish to go, yet the memories help me to heal yes still after three years, this train is filled with mental pictures of a 4th of July gathering with friends at our home, where we laughed and jumped when the neighbor's fire works went off. There are the memories of sitting in the hot tub on the 5th of July and enjoying the oldies but goodies and sharing a glass of wine together and talking about a day trip we were planning to make on our 8th Anniversary on August 6th.
We were excited to plan it out with details about picnics, and where we would stop to share that picnic of lobster rolls, drink and condiments. We decided not to take the GTO as we were off the woods of Maine and surely it would break down, that was just our luck you know. We would even stop at Small Falls and listen to the sounds created by Mother Nature.
Another glass of wine and a few more songs, then it was in the house to put on our night ware and watch a movie on Netflix and eventually crawl in bed where there was peace and tranquility and always cuddle until sleep finally settled in.
The memory of cutting and splitting wood in the intense heat and humidity of July 2013, Seeing the sweat coming through his shirt and he cut on tree length of wood with "perseverance" as he called it, never once complaining he was hot or tired. How he smiled when he was offered an ice cold lemonade, and I watched as he placed the glass on his sweaty brow, knowing how good it felt to him.
The train has a memory of us sitting on the swing, in the evening after dinner and watching the skies turn from hot pink, to purple to dark gray, another day is over "honeybunny" he would say, and all is well on home front.
On Wednesday July 10 we went for a ride in the GTO around the loop, no moose, no deer were seen, but that was ok, another time we thought. There was always tomorrow. On the way home we stopped to see a child hood friend of mine who lives in Skowhegan, he was a Masonic brother to Bill, both bikers so they had something in common besides me. It was fun sharing about my friend Peter Diller on the way home and how he use to run away, just down the road with Fluff and Nestle's Quik and a spoon! Bill laughed, he loved hear about such things.
On Sunday, July 14th after he had read his emails, done a few things on line and had a great breakfast of eggs, ham, home fries, toast and coffee he announced he was going fishing. He was like a little boy, off on an adventure. I watched as he loaded his little boat on the back of his truck with his new wench, made it easier on his old body he said. Poles packed, worms dug and he was off...a kiss and wave and I'll see you at dark thirty with suppah, yes suppah, despite the fact he was a "flat lander; he talked Mainah! He giggled and was on his way! God how I love him I thought.
The Anniversary train brings memories of 8PM when a green truck drives up my drive way, and I think perfect timing, as the salads are sitting on the counter and the skillet is waiting for the catch of the day, but wait it is not Bill, it is someone else!
The Game Warden!!!! I greet him and he introduces himself, and then asks, "Holly did Bill go fishing today?" I grinned and said yes, while my mind thought he maybe forgot his license, but I was soon to learn than was not the case! Holly we found Bill's boat but not Bill!" My ears heard that but my brain did not register, I sat on the steps, and my mind raced. Warden Rick Clowry who soon became a very good friend of mine and my children asked if I had family around, friends who could come by, he would not leave until someone was there with me.
The Anniversary train is moving faster now, it is almost in front of me, I don't want get on, I don't want to remember that day when my family and friends had gathered for word on Bill's where abouts, and then it came, Tuesday, July 16th he had been found in 8 feet of water!
Now if Bill knew of this Anniversary train he would smile at me, shake his head and say, don't get on the train, I am not there Honeybunny! Carry my legacy on in your soul, be careful and be safe out there in this world, if you make mistakes you can fix them that is why "God" put erasers on pencils.
Don't get on the train my sweets, go and remember me for I am alive within you, feel me and love me as you did when I was but a mere human, Don't get on the train it goes no place.......
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
The Spirit Within: And so God made a dog! Paul Harvey
The Spirit Within: And so God made a dog! Paul Harvey: I was just telling a friend of mine if it had not been for my dog Shanti I would have never survived Bill's death. She gave me a reason...
And so God made a dog! Paul Harvey
I was just telling a friend of mine if it had not been for my dog Shanti I would have never survived Bill's death. She gave me a reason to get up in the morning, and then this poem appeared on facebook and so I googled it..it is read by Paul Harvey, I am not sure if he wrote it or not but I loved it and wanted it as part of my blog!
So God Made A Dog
And on the 9th Day
God looked down on his wide eyed children and said they need a companion
So God made a Dog
God said I need somebody to wake up and give kisses, pee on a tree, sleep all day, wake up again, give more kisses, and then stay up till midnight basking in the glow of the television set.
So God made a Dog
God said I need somebody willing to sit, then stay, then roll over then with no ego or complaint dress in hats they do not need and costumes they do not understand. I need somebody who can break wind without a first thought or second thought. Who can chase tails, sniff crotches, fetch sticks and lift spirits with a lick. Somebody no matter what you didn’t do, or couldn’t take, or didn’t win, or couldn’t make will love you without judgment just the same.
So God made a Dog
God said I need somebody strong enough to pull sleds and find bombs, yet gentle enough to love babies and lead the blind. Somebody who will spend all day on a couch with the resting head and supportive eyes to lift the spirits of a broken heart.
So God made a Dog
It had to be somebody who would remain patient and loyal even thru loneliness. Somebody to care, cuddle, snuggle and nuzzle, and cheer and charm and snore and slobber and eat the trash and chase the squirrels. Somebody who would bring a family together with selflessness of an open heart. Somebody who would bark, and then pant, and then reply with the rapid wag of tail when their best friend says lets go for a ride in the car.
So God made a Dog
God said I need somebody who would stand at your side when the world around you collapses. Somebody to lie next to you during the long nights of pain and sorrow when it hurts to move, or talk, or think, or be. Somebody to stand guard, play games, snore for hours, and repeat as needed. Somebody to give you strength when you have none of your own. Somebody to fight when you have no fight left, to hold onto your soul as if it were their favorite toy, playing tug of war to keep you in this world. Somebody to be your companion and guide in this world and the next. Somebody to wait for you on the other side or stand guard in your absence until they can join you for eternity.
So God made a Dog
Saturday, January 23, 2016
The Spirit Within: At 30 months!
The Spirit Within: At 30 months!: It has been two and half years since the death of my beloved husband, I fumble through each day acting as though all is good and my life ...
At 30 months!
It has been two and half years since the death of my beloved husband, I fumble through each day acting as though all is good and my life has gone on, but deep in my gut I am still waiting for the fish he promised to bring home for dinner that hot and humid day in July. I have good days and bad days, ups and down, some make me laugh, some bring me to tears, but I am doing things that need to be done in "honor of Bill"! Whether it is filling the wood box, which is always low on wood it seems or starting the snow blower to clean up the yard a bit where the snow plow could not reach, it is in "honor of Bill."
I am doing much better this winter than I did the first winter I was alone here, as I look back I honestly do not know how I did it! I was not alone though as friends were always ready, willing and able to help me in any way I needed and to this day some still are! Strange how small your circle of friends gets when you become a widow, especially after this amount of time. I won't go into my thoughts on that, but rest assured some of them make me giggle.
I have done some major repairs to the homestead in the last few months, a new roof has been built and the under pinning of the cabin floors were done! The crew of L&W Builders did a wonderful job and it was such a great time to have them around here five days a week with an occasional visit on the weekend with their 4 wheelers. They filled a void and made me laugh throughout the day!
You know when my husband died I had only one request and that was that my three children find the same kind of love that Bill and I had. One with respect, understanding, compassion, and trust! I am so proud to announce that two of my three have found that kind of love and this year I have a daughter who will be getting married to her best friend! I cant wait to be the mother of the bride and watch her and her man become a family! Now through this wedding I become a grandmother to a little girl, well she is not so little actually she is almost a teenager, but I look forward to meeting her and getting to know her.
My son is the other who has found perfect love, a nice country woman with two precious little girls who are yes ,still little. Oh what fun it is going to be go in the PINK department at Christmas time!
My oldest daughter still has not found the right one, but she is busy with life raising two boys well almost young men now, and I know that some day her future will walk into her life, she just needs a little more time.
Now I have done some dating in the last year, I kind of tested the waters if you will. I haven't found Bill and as of this writing I realize there will never be a "Bill" he was one of a kind. So I need to step back and figure out if I want another man in my life or do I just want an occasional dinner date (dinner date it can be McDonald's or Burger King or LumberJack Lodge). I have a difficult time with people who I know both friends and acquaintances seeing me with another man. True it is none of their business but I just don't want people to think the thoughts they can sometimes think. So I am careful here in this small town....I have been the topic of gossip before when I dated Bill, it was cruel and devastating and I don't want it again!!!
Life goes on even after the death of someone you love so deeply, you are not the same nor will you ever be....things are different, the world is different, life is different. I am looking forward to my life though, the journey has only begun!!!
I am doing much better this winter than I did the first winter I was alone here, as I look back I honestly do not know how I did it! I was not alone though as friends were always ready, willing and able to help me in any way I needed and to this day some still are! Strange how small your circle of friends gets when you become a widow, especially after this amount of time. I won't go into my thoughts on that, but rest assured some of them make me giggle.
I have done some major repairs to the homestead in the last few months, a new roof has been built and the under pinning of the cabin floors were done! The crew of L&W Builders did a wonderful job and it was such a great time to have them around here five days a week with an occasional visit on the weekend with their 4 wheelers. They filled a void and made me laugh throughout the day!
You know when my husband died I had only one request and that was that my three children find the same kind of love that Bill and I had. One with respect, understanding, compassion, and trust! I am so proud to announce that two of my three have found that kind of love and this year I have a daughter who will be getting married to her best friend! I cant wait to be the mother of the bride and watch her and her man become a family! Now through this wedding I become a grandmother to a little girl, well she is not so little actually she is almost a teenager, but I look forward to meeting her and getting to know her.
My son is the other who has found perfect love, a nice country woman with two precious little girls who are yes ,still little. Oh what fun it is going to be go in the PINK department at Christmas time!
My oldest daughter still has not found the right one, but she is busy with life raising two boys well almost young men now, and I know that some day her future will walk into her life, she just needs a little more time.
Now I have done some dating in the last year, I kind of tested the waters if you will. I haven't found Bill and as of this writing I realize there will never be a "Bill" he was one of a kind. So I need to step back and figure out if I want another man in my life or do I just want an occasional dinner date (dinner date it can be McDonald's or Burger King or LumberJack Lodge). I have a difficult time with people who I know both friends and acquaintances seeing me with another man. True it is none of their business but I just don't want people to think the thoughts they can sometimes think. So I am careful here in this small town....I have been the topic of gossip before when I dated Bill, it was cruel and devastating and I don't want it again!!!
Life goes on even after the death of someone you love so deeply, you are not the same nor will you ever be....things are different, the world is different, life is different. I am looking forward to my life though, the journey has only begun!!!
Thursday, July 2, 2015
From Heartache to Healing
As I mark the second anniversary of my husband Bill's death, it always brings up so many emotions of the hot day in July when Warden Rick Clowry came to my home and said "we found Bill's boat but not Bill!" My mind flew in so many directions and so many questions, some of which I asked Warden Clowry and he must of thought I was crazy! Who do I call to let know what is happening and I need some moral support? Do I call his children and mine? Do I call my sister Vicki and ask her to come to Harmony?
I also think about how out future together would have been. Would he be sicker with Agent Orange? Would we go to Alaska as we had talked about. I have to stop myself sometimes as I get anxiety and then depression sets in.
People sometimes ask me if I have "gotten over" his death. I am very quick to share that I will never get over the loss of someone whom I loved to the moon and back, but I have reconciled myself to it.
With that being said, you probably wonder if I have been able to move forward with my life and how it's even possible to o so. The simple answer is YES! I did find hope through my grief and my wintering in the south with my children and grandchildren and I did move forward with my life without my dear husband at my side. Was it easy? ABSOLUTELY NOT!! I took one day at a time which turned into weeks, months and now two years.
I learned to ask for help because it did not take me very long to figure out I couldn't possibly do all the things Bill had done around here. Some days I sat and cried for hours over how I would get everything done and keep myself healthy and my life together. But through the tears the challenges of living in a rustic cabin in the woods of Maine, Maine winter, I had the support of family and friends and I just kept going one day at time.
My winter of 2014 in the south was just what I needed. There I was able to be with my children and grandchildren which is something I have never been able to do. While there I was able to reflect on what I wanted to do when I got back to Maine. I made a list a long list with little jobs and big ones that I wanted to accomplish before the onset of winter 2016, and as I compose this blog I have two things remaining..I am way ahead of the game.
Time heals the heart ache, although it does raise it's ugly head sometimes, but it only lasts for a few minutes. I do things here at my home in honor of my Bill, a new roof is going on, a friend of mine is going to jack up the center of my home, paint some trim, stack fire wood, still have some he cut just before he went fishing on that hot day in July 2013. I am planning to attend his daughters wedding this fall, my life goes on.
I find quiet moments to reflect on the love and laughter we shared, the jokes and yes the times when PTSD set in and he would be so depressed, I am thankful for the life we had, and I cherish the memories of us every day and that I will keep with me forever.
I also have a glass of wine, (something Bill loved) and I sit out on my deck and watch the sun set and I raise my glass, smile, and be grateful that I had been loved and cherished by a really super man, whom I loved to the depths of the ocean.
Happy Second Angelversary Sweet William!
I also think about how out future together would have been. Would he be sicker with Agent Orange? Would we go to Alaska as we had talked about. I have to stop myself sometimes as I get anxiety and then depression sets in.
People sometimes ask me if I have "gotten over" his death. I am very quick to share that I will never get over the loss of someone whom I loved to the moon and back, but I have reconciled myself to it.
With that being said, you probably wonder if I have been able to move forward with my life and how it's even possible to o so. The simple answer is YES! I did find hope through my grief and my wintering in the south with my children and grandchildren and I did move forward with my life without my dear husband at my side. Was it easy? ABSOLUTELY NOT!! I took one day at a time which turned into weeks, months and now two years.
I learned to ask for help because it did not take me very long to figure out I couldn't possibly do all the things Bill had done around here. Some days I sat and cried for hours over how I would get everything done and keep myself healthy and my life together. But through the tears the challenges of living in a rustic cabin in the woods of Maine, Maine winter, I had the support of family and friends and I just kept going one day at time.
My winter of 2014 in the south was just what I needed. There I was able to be with my children and grandchildren which is something I have never been able to do. While there I was able to reflect on what I wanted to do when I got back to Maine. I made a list a long list with little jobs and big ones that I wanted to accomplish before the onset of winter 2016, and as I compose this blog I have two things remaining..I am way ahead of the game.
Time heals the heart ache, although it does raise it's ugly head sometimes, but it only lasts for a few minutes. I do things here at my home in honor of my Bill, a new roof is going on, a friend of mine is going to jack up the center of my home, paint some trim, stack fire wood, still have some he cut just before he went fishing on that hot day in July 2013. I am planning to attend his daughters wedding this fall, my life goes on.
I find quiet moments to reflect on the love and laughter we shared, the jokes and yes the times when PTSD set in and he would be so depressed, I am thankful for the life we had, and I cherish the memories of us every day and that I will keep with me forever.
I also have a glass of wine, (something Bill loved) and I sit out on my deck and watch the sun set and I raise my glass, smile, and be grateful that I had been loved and cherished by a really super man, whom I loved to the depths of the ocean.
Happy Second Angelversary Sweet William!
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