This blog is not to relive those tragic events, they are written in other pages in this blog, this is a start for a new beginning for me, without the love of my life by my side. There is not doubt I have come along way in year: I no longer wake each day feeling like I am wearing a lead coat; I am up each morning early which I never did after I retired, but then I had someone to snuggle with, today I have Shanti, somehow that is not the same for me. I can hold conversations that are not about my loss; and, perhaps more importantly, I have had moments of pleasure, which I would never have thought possible a year ago. But I am not "over it!!" My husband's death still take my breath away time and time again. It still stabs me in the heart when I least expect it. Sometimes it takes all my effort and composure to walk into the Backwoods Grill here in Harmony a place he loved to take me out to eat. Sometimes I still cannot believe he has even gone.
I am not the same person anymore nor will I ever be. I have small social comfort zones now and will avoid situations where I am uncomfortable. I will attend small parties with family and friends I trust, but if there is someone there who makes me uncomfortable I will stay home. I know I am alienating myself from others but for now life's about self-reservation and staying strong for myself and my favorite girl Shanti.
Have I reached acceptance? Not in the way I thought. Acceptance has come to mean a few things to me after a year of grieving. I now realize that grief is not something you can control or rush. Thoughts, memories and worries have had to come along and punch me a number of times before they hit home and it's damn hard work. I 'll live with grief forever but I'll learn to control it! Sometimes I have to hold the pain inside just to be able to function. It's knowing the awful days do pass. It's knowing I'm still me under the layers of sorrow. It's knowing I can unburden myself of the heavy load now and again and enjoy myself.
Grief feels like waiting for something to happen; acceptance to me is knowing nothing will. No one else is coming home after a "Another great day in the woods gentlemen". No one but I can make myself feel better. There are no sure-all miracles around the corner. Fulfillment has to come from my children and grandchildren and my friends, some of my friends I had to let go of in the last year as they were not allowing me to heal in the manner I was seeking. Some family members have walked away as well, not blood mind you, and I accept their choice, others who are not blood but family, well I feel as though we have bonded and hopefully gotten closer.
I have had to learn to make decisions that I thought I would never have to make, let go of things that as Bill often said are only things, yet as they head down the drive way, my heart breaks a little bit more if that is at all possible. I proved to myself that I could survive a Maine winter, one that was the worse we had in ten years or more. I hauled wood into the house, touching each piece as it were gold for I knew Bill had touched it as well and that gave me strength. Friends helped out making sure I was able to leave my home if need be and for that I will be forever grateful. I learned to pay bills with little or no money left over, so I became conservative not that I wasn't before, that was one of the reasons Bill loved me, I did not need to be pampered or made to feel like a queen, simplicity has always been my motto. Pay your bills and go without is another. I have set goals for my future and I believe when the time comes those goals will all fall in place. For life now is about me and my girl Shanti.
In all honesty, I survived the one year since Bill went fishing on Great Moose Lake, that hot and humid day he kissed me good bye and said, "I'll see you at dark thirty." "I love you." and off he went to one of his favorite places in Harmony never to return home.
