From Heartache to Healing

As I mark the second anniversary of my husband Bill's death, it always brings up so many emotions of the hot day in July when Warden Rick Clowry came to my home and said "we found Bill's boat but not Bill!" My mind flew in so many directions and so many questions, some of which I asked Warden Clowry and he must of thought I was crazy!  Who do I call to let know what is happening and I need some moral support?  Do I call his children and mine? Do I call my sister Vicki and ask her to come to Harmony?

I also think about how out future together would have been. Would he be sicker with Agent Orange? Would we go to Alaska as we had talked about.  I have to stop myself sometimes as I get anxiety and then depression sets in.

People sometimes ask me if I have "gotten over" his death. I am very quick to share that I will never get over the loss of someone whom I loved to the moon and back, but I have reconciled myself to it.
With that being said, you probably wonder if I have been able to move forward with my life and how it's even possible to o so. The simple answer is YES! I did find hope through my grief and my wintering in the south with my children and grandchildren and I did move forward with my life without my dear husband at my side. Was it easy? ABSOLUTELY NOT!! I took one day at a time which turned into weeks, months and now two years. 

I learned to ask for help because it did not take me very long to figure out I couldn't possibly do all the things Bill had done around here. Some days I sat and cried for hours over how I would get everything done and keep myself healthy and my life together. But through the tears the challenges of living in a rustic cabin in the woods of Maine, Maine winter, I had the support of family and friends and I just kept going one day at time.

My winter of 2014 in the south was just what I needed. There I was able to be with my children and grandchildren which is something I have never been able to do. While there I was able to reflect on what I wanted to do when I got back to Maine.  I made a list a long list with little jobs and big ones that I wanted to accomplish before the onset of winter 2016, and as I compose this blog I have two things remaining..I am way ahead of the game.

Time heals the heart ache, although it does raise it's ugly head sometimes, but it only lasts for a few minutes.  I do things here at my home in honor of my Bill, a new roof is going on, a friend of mine is going to jack up the center of my home, paint some trim, stack fire wood, still have some he cut just before he went fishing on that hot day in July 2013. I am planning to attend his daughters wedding this fall, my life goes on.

I find quiet moments to reflect on the love and laughter we shared, the jokes and yes the times when PTSD set in and he would be so depressed, I am thankful for the life we had, and I cherish the memories of us every day and that I will keep with me forever.

I also have a glass of wine, (something Bill loved) and I sit out on my deck and watch the sun set and I raise my glass, smile, and be grateful that I had been loved and cherished by a really super man, whom I loved to the depths of the ocean.

Happy Second Angelversary Sweet William!

Tomorrow is waiting for me!!!!

I am stronger! I am wiser! I am more confident! I am at peace! I am a survivor!  These words are so easy to say, but to actually feel that way is much more difficult! For me they are facts, oh sure I will have a bad day here and there, and I will make the wrong decisions sometimes, but that is all part of the learning and living life in general. 

These last few months with my children has been an incredible journey for me. Being in their lives for weeks has shown me that all is good in the children department. They are strong, honest, hard workers, they take their responsibilities of family and job to heights that many never achieve or choose not too. Their dad and I did a great job of raising three wonderful children and for that I am thankful and at peace.

While being with my children and grandchildren in the south I became stronger. I needed to get away from my environment for a change of pace, to see things in a different light, to not have to struggle alone in Harmony and try to survive during this epic winter Maine has had. 

Because of this journey I learned about people and that everyone has fears, and self doubt, just as I do and always will. But I am more confident now and I feel I have relocated the old Holly, the Holly that Bill Witt feel in love with. The one who had a zest for life and for living and trying new things.

My tomorrows look brighter now, I am ready to "carry on" as the warrior I am. Sure I will need help with something's I want to do at my home, that help will be hired help in order not to infringe on my friends kindness.  My home will be one of my priorities for improvement.  It will be "Holly's home" on "Holly Hill" as my girlfriend Kim calls it!! 

It will be great to be back home to see the people I love and care about. There are so many wonderful people in Harmony and I have missed them all.  I have missed my home and my life and I am going to begin anew....as Tomorrow is Waiting for me!!

Oh! The sniffs you can sniff!!

My name is Shanti Marie Witt, I am lovingly referred too by members of my family by various names, Tun Tun, by Gicki, Pissy Pants by my Aunt Jodi, Shanti Shan by my Uncle Tony, and a new one by my nephew Jack, he calls me butt face. I really don't like that name but I love Jack so I am pretty much ok with it. Now when I am naughty my mummy uses my whole name, Shanti Marie Witt, I know right then and there I have done something wrong, and my tail immediately goes between my legs.

Now I know my mummy loves me a lot, I get to sleep with her on the bed that dad made and I have lots of toys to keep me busy, my most favorite toy to chew is the elastics mom puts in her hair. Oh I pull and chew and snap, it breaks in half. Then comes the lecture...."Shanti Marie Witt!  Is that yours?" I know it's not and I get this I am so sorry look on my face which I know melts mummies heart, so she gives me a treat!!! 

Back in October of 2014 mummy began to pack things up like clothes, shoes, and I wondered what was going on, was she getting rid of her things like she did  after my dad died?  Then this one day she noticed I was getting a little bit of anxiety so she set me on her lap and said, "Shanti we are going on a long trip, longer than when we go down to see Aunt Gicky.  Aunt Jodi is coming up from Georgia with Gomer (oh be still my heart for Gomer is the love of my life) and we will go down to see Uncle Tony. I was ok with that, I love Uncle Tony, he was up to my home to visit one time and we got along great. I thought how bad could this be?

Our journey began in November, Aunt Jodi, Gomer, mummy and I. I had a difficult time to settle down as the ride in the car scares me, but mummy bought a special cover for me so when she puts on the brakes I don't tumble to the floor as I have done many times. Gomer was with me in the back seat and he quickly settled down and started snoring, so I did the same thing. We stopped a few times for potty breaks and new smells, oh my the smells. The NJ rest areas were the best, coffee cups, soda cans, tossed half eaten sandwiches, even dirty diapers. Although I loved the smells I was sad to see that people just tossed their trash making the areas look so bad. 

After spending one night in a motel which was a new thing for me, we arrived at Uncle Tony's. Oh happy days...destination reached. I was so happy to get out the car and stretch my legs and smell the new scents and then, and then, and THEN these two huge dogs came out of the house, Kia and Liam!!  I knew my life would never be the same!  OUCH!!  I got bit...Liam whom I now know was only protecting his home bit me, yep, right on my side. My Mummy grabbed me up in her arms where I felt so protected and loved, and Aunt Jodi grabbed Liam and was hauled across the drive way.  I was pretty scared to say the least, but I soon learned to stand my own ground.  Now I am a barker, but I won't bite you if you come to my home, cause I know you are there to see me and I love that.

We spent a few weeks there and we all made friends after a few days, although I did not trust either dog really. They were so much taller than me and their tails were like weapons that hit me in the face often times hitting my eyes. 

I love my little nephews AJ and Johnny, they played with me and shared the bonus room with me where I watched them play games on the computer. I got lots of hugs and kisses and gave back many licks as well.  Christmas came and Santa brought me my own floor pillow, course I had to share it with Liam and Kia but I didn't mind because they shared theirs with me.

I ran away one time, boy was I scared when I realized what I had done. I knew mummy was back home so very worried about me, but I did not know how to get back to Uncle Tony's. Mummy always said my nose would get me in trouble and this time it had. A little boy found me and hooked me up in hopes my mummy would find me. I was so scared, so many people and homes, unlike my home in Harmony. My new friend gave me a treat and petted me but it just was not the same without my mummy.  What seemed like forever I soon saw a familiar face, Uncle Tony and my boy AJ!!!!!I was so excited!!!I got in Uncle Tony's car and knew instantly I was going home to Mummy!!  Just as I figured Mummy was outside waiting for me, she grabbed me, give me hugs and kisses and then she cried. I knew she would cry and I also knew she would tell me never to scare her again like that, and I promised I wouldn't.

After a few weeks in North Carolina my Aunt Jodi and Gomer came up to NC to take me and mummy down to Georgia.. I was so excited to see Gomer, I really love him, he is kind of a goober and looks kinda funny, but he is my best friend.  Once we were settled in mummy says I adjusted very well, many walks in the neighborhood were done throughout the day...me following Gomer and him following me. It was great fun to meet other dogs in the neighborhood although there was one German Shepard I did not like at all. There were lots of kids there too and they all petted me and treated me so very special.

Aunt Jodi and I got along very well, she calls me pissy pants, I don't know why she just does. I love her fingers, they are long and lean and when she rubs me it makes my whole body feel good, just like going to the chiropractor mummy says.  Gomer and I had a great time, we would chase each other around the couch, sort of playing hide and seek, it was great fun especially when Gomer would go one way and I the other. 

We are now in Virginia with my Aunt Becca, and Jack, my Nick is off to college down at Old Dominion University so I have don't get to see him much, but when he does come home it is great fun.   There are no dogs here, but KITTIES!  Not one kitty but two and they are both the same color so I have a hard time to tell them apart. They really have funny names, Maximus and Optimus are their names and  I have been attacked by one of them twice so far, it hurts wicked when they scratch me, so now I am very careful walking around the house.  At times mummy can't find me because I am hiding under the table shaking because these two cats have terrorized me.

Aunt Becca also has this prehistoric monster named Carleto, he is a dragon. The other day was his stretch time, time on the floor, he was fun to watch as he traveled all over the floor but when he went up on my pillow, well I didn't like it much!! He wanted to take a nap on it but Aunt Becca put him in the bathroom where she said he would be safer. He probably was because I really wanted to eat him!

We have a really nice bedroom, it has a TV, a couch which mummy puts my blankets on for me to sleep, and there are no kitties allowed so I sleep very peacefully at night.  Sometimes I sleep with mummy too, I love being up close to her at night.

Mummy just told me that is a few more weeks we will go on another long trip with new smells and new sights. She said we are heading back home!  HOME!!  Does she mean "Shanti's home" as she calls it sometime?  Does she mean I will be able to sleep in my own bed with mummy?  Does she mean I will be able to smell scents I am familiar with? Oh I cannot wait!!  So hurry up and melt Mr. Snow...Mummy and I want to come home and be at peace in Harmony!

Georgia Journey

Traffic, planes and trains oh my!!!!  Georgia, Atlanta the hub of the world it seems, to much traffic, with highways that are so busy they have overpasses, underpasses and 16 lane highways one way.  Certainly no way for this lady to live, but it has been new and exciting compared to my little town of Harmony!!! The quaint little town I love so much.

I have so enjoyed being with my daughter Jodi, for some reason
still pictured her as the little girl who left home so many years ago, however, she is truly a highly respected professional in the Metro area of Atlanta. She has not lost her true self, the simplicity she possesses and her love for nature and all it has to offer her down here in the south.

My first night here was a major adjustment, Shanti and I had our own room on the lower level of Jodi's split foyer home, I even had my own bathroom with private shower!  Nice!!  My own quarters!  As I slipped into a new bed bought just for me and Shanti, I laid there and listened to traffic, not too bad, but all of a sudden a train whistle, at 11PM!!  No way!!  I soon learned that the State of Georgia made sure not many trains crossed road ways, I mean how could they with millions of people heading to work every day at various times of day?  Why the whistle? I was told the tracks do cross a road down in the historic Kennisaw area, which was several miles from here.  In all I counted 8 trains in one night heading to some place and each and every time the whistle would blow. The poor people who live by the tracks in the road, but then maybe they are use to it as I am of the sometimes deafening silence in Harmony. 

I had a small bucket list for my visit down here and I have crossed everything I wanted to do with the help of my daughter driving me. Gone with the Wind Museum was one, so we headed to historic Marrietta, Ga. filled with so many quaint stores selling the history of Georgia, however, after doing some research on the internet I found they were nothing I wanted to visit due to the cost of things. Jodi and I enjoyed the 60 degree sunny day walking from the parking garage to the museum. Lots of people enjoying the same thing as we did, oh so many people! As we entered the GWTW museum  I felt almost giddy, you see GWTW is my most loved movie.  The place was awesome, pretty replicas of Miss Scarlett's dresses, some of which you could purchase...OUCH!!!  We did make a few purchases there because believe it or not the prices were reasonable.  It was a great day!!

We stopped at a candy store where we both bought our favorite candy and Jodi bought a piece of homemade cheese cake, I forget the flavor but it was oowie and gooey and looked delicious but I am not into cheese cake, give me chocolate cream with home made whipped cream thank you very much.  As we were walking around I heard a Harley coming my way, I never saw it really until it passed me, and there I stood as if almost in a trance, it was a sound I heard often in Harmony when Bill rode his, and so a reaction happens that one has no control over the tears begin to flow. I quickly regained my composure and walked hand in hand with my daughter back to car.

Now those of you who know Jodi know she has a laugh that starts at the tip of her toes and travels through her body like a wild fire. Well her appetite is exactly the same way, and she still only weights like 125 pounds of a 5'9" body frame. Well anyway, we get in the car and she can no longer maintain her eagerness to devour her cheese cake, I swear she inhaled that cake in like 12 seconds. I laughed till I cried..God Bless her!!

As we left Marietta I noticed the Confederate Cemetery, we did not stop there that day but we did visit it.  EERIE!!  is all I can say about that. So many granite stones with no names on them however names are on a wall with States of which they served.  When these men were first buried their markers we nothing but a piece of wood which eventually decayed or burned in a fire.  The saddest part of the cemetery was the area entitled "SLAVES", one instantly gets feelings of how these slaves were treated and that they died as slaves and will be forever known as such.

My journey to Georgia has been one filled with many emotions and many experiences, I had a couple of Krispy Cream donuts, a specialty of the south, in all actuality I prefer dunkin Donut glazed, but that is just me. Had my 66th birthday here with Jodi where we ate at a southern style food restaurant which did my palette no good, I suppose one much acquire a taste of that kind of food. We ate out a few times to various restaurants including Chinese, Arby's, and Italian my most favorite!! 

It has been great here, and now I prepare for the third leg of my journey to Virginia! I am excited about that also, no bucket list for the area as yet, but I am sure there will be places to visit there too even it is back to Jacqueline Avenue in Virginia Beach where I lived 39 years ago.