I also think about how out future together would have been. Would he be sicker with Agent Orange? Would we go to Alaska as we had talked about. I have to stop myself sometimes as I get anxiety and then depression sets in.
People sometimes ask me if I have "gotten over" his death. I am very quick to share that I will never get over the loss of someone whom I loved to the moon and back, but I have reconciled myself to it.
With that being said, you probably wonder if I have been able to move forward with my life and how it's even possible to o so. The simple answer is YES! I did find hope through my grief and my wintering in the south with my children and grandchildren and I did move forward with my life without my dear husband at my side. Was it easy? ABSOLUTELY NOT!! I took one day at a time which turned into weeks, months and now two years.
I learned to ask for help because it did not take me very long to figure out I couldn't possibly do all the things Bill had done around here. Some days I sat and cried for hours over how I would get everything done and keep myself healthy and my life together. But through the tears the challenges of living in a rustic cabin in the woods of Maine, Maine winter, I had the support of family and friends and I just kept going one day at time.
My winter of 2014 in the south was just what I needed. There I was able to be with my children and grandchildren which is something I have never been able to do. While there I was able to reflect on what I wanted to do when I got back to Maine. I made a list a long list with little jobs and big ones that I wanted to accomplish before the onset of winter 2016, and as I compose this blog I have two things remaining..I am way ahead of the game.
Time heals the heart ache, although it does raise it's ugly head sometimes, but it only lasts for a few minutes. I do things here at my home in honor of my Bill, a new roof is going on, a friend of mine is going to jack up the center of my home, paint some trim, stack fire wood, still have some he cut just before he went fishing on that hot day in July 2013. I am planning to attend his daughters wedding this fall, my life goes on.
I find quiet moments to reflect on the love and laughter we shared, the jokes and yes the times when PTSD set in and he would be so depressed, I am thankful for the life we had, and I cherish the memories of us every day and that I will keep with me forever.
I also have a glass of wine, (something Bill loved) and I sit out on my deck and watch the sun set and I raise my glass, smile, and be grateful that I had been loved and cherished by a really super man, whom I loved to the depths of the ocean.
Happy Second Angelversary Sweet William!
