It has been awhile since I have written on my blog, so much has taken place since the last post, I almost hesitated to continue with "The Spirit Within", but I have learned everything happens for a reason. When I was mentally ready I started the dating scene, I met a few guys, had a nice evening with them as we shared a meal and talk, but I soon learned some were looking for a place to live for almost free except maybe haul in the wood during the harsh winter months of living in Harmony, some wanted to prove they were still "stud muffins" and it had probably been awhile since I had had any male contact. They didn't get too far with that thought for to me a "stud muffin" doesn't need to take a blue pill! Enough said on that.
I even left my home and moved in with a guy for a few weeks. Worse mistake of my life, all he wanted was someone to clean house and make it a home, take care of his dog, do laundry, some one to buy groceries, cook his meals, go out to eat occasionally, pay the light bill and in return he would get me an occasional rose. I instantly knew life was all about him and what he wanted to do when I asked if we could go to the ocean and have some Maine lobster and said: "now your pushing it missy!" Right then and there I knew I had a made a mistake. I didn't need abuse of any sort and in this day and age it is no longer accepted by society as it was years ago.
As days passed I kept searching for answers, and then one night, in a deep sleep, my "angel" came to me, in that dream he was pulling me out of the bed, working as hard as he could to move me, saying to me, "honeybunny come, get out of here before you get hurt" He pulled and pulled and when I was up and wide awake and knew exactly what I had to do, I had to move on!
I knew I did not want to go back to Harmony, even though that was my home I just knew I could not handle another winter of intense loneliness, of trudging through the snow for wood, of shoveling the steps and other places that the plow could get too, I could NOT go back! But what?
I contacted a friend of mine who had waited in the wings for me, we talked, I cried, we shared, he knew where I stood on a relationship, we could love each other as friends, a partner in life, someone to share good times with and bad ones too. Someone to share life with if you will. By the way he had gone to the cemetery, found Bill's grave and said "we need to get Holly out of there". I did not know this until after I left the bad arrangement.
I put my home in Harmony up for sale through Allied Reality, agent Mark Schoenthaler, quite a name huh? No idea how to pronounce it, but that does not matter, Mark is good he said. It was sold within a weeks time! Bittersweet for sure, as I have many wonderful memories up there in Harmony and have met some really grand people all of whom I shall miss.
Today I am the proud owner of a 35 foot camper and a 250 Ford truck that has all the bells and whistles anyone could ever need. Did I say owner, not quite true, good credit works wonders is all I can say. We had purchased a Suburban in Maine to haul the camper but after crossing the Appalachians with high winds we knew that if we made it to our destination safely a new truck was in store for us. With the help of my daughter's fiancé who was in Boone NC at the time, we had found the truck we wanted.
Life goes on, it is different in many way, I am closer to my children and grandchildren now which is something I so missed in my life. Once Peter and I get things completed in Maine and we are ready to head out on our own without the professional help of Black Ox Transport and Logistics, a business started my daughter and her fiancé we plan to visit many parts of the Great United States. Stay tuned!
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
Saturday, July 2, 2016
The Spirit Within: The Anniversary Train is coming!
The Spirit Within: The Anniversary Train is coming!: The Anniversary train is coming, I hear the whistle and see the smoke stack filling the clear blue skies with black smoke, it gets closer an...
The Anniversary Train is coming!
The Anniversary train is coming, I hear the whistle and see the smoke stack filling the clear blue skies with black smoke, it gets closer and closer, the smell fills my senses with fear to get on that train, for it is the train of memories from July 14th to today.
This train will take me down a path I don't wish to go, yet the memories help me to heal yes still after three years, this train is filled with mental pictures of a 4th of July gathering with friends at our home, where we laughed and jumped when the neighbor's fire works went off. There are the memories of sitting in the hot tub on the 5th of July and enjoying the oldies but goodies and sharing a glass of wine together and talking about a day trip we were planning to make on our 8th Anniversary on August 6th.
We were excited to plan it out with details about picnics, and where we would stop to share that picnic of lobster rolls, drink and condiments. We decided not to take the GTO as we were off the woods of Maine and surely it would break down, that was just our luck you know. We would even stop at Small Falls and listen to the sounds created by Mother Nature.
Another glass of wine and a few more songs, then it was in the house to put on our night ware and watch a movie on Netflix and eventually crawl in bed where there was peace and tranquility and always cuddle until sleep finally settled in.
The memory of cutting and splitting wood in the intense heat and humidity of July 2013, Seeing the sweat coming through his shirt and he cut on tree length of wood with "perseverance" as he called it, never once complaining he was hot or tired. How he smiled when he was offered an ice cold lemonade, and I watched as he placed the glass on his sweaty brow, knowing how good it felt to him.
The train has a memory of us sitting on the swing, in the evening after dinner and watching the skies turn from hot pink, to purple to dark gray, another day is over "honeybunny" he would say, and all is well on home front.
On Wednesday July 10 we went for a ride in the GTO around the loop, no moose, no deer were seen, but that was ok, another time we thought. There was always tomorrow. On the way home we stopped to see a child hood friend of mine who lives in Skowhegan, he was a Masonic brother to Bill, both bikers so they had something in common besides me. It was fun sharing about my friend Peter Diller on the way home and how he use to run away, just down the road with Fluff and Nestle's Quik and a spoon! Bill laughed, he loved hear about such things.
On Sunday, July 14th after he had read his emails, done a few things on line and had a great breakfast of eggs, ham, home fries, toast and coffee he announced he was going fishing. He was like a little boy, off on an adventure. I watched as he loaded his little boat on the back of his truck with his new wench, made it easier on his old body he said. Poles packed, worms dug and he was off...a kiss and wave and I'll see you at dark thirty with suppah, yes suppah, despite the fact he was a "flat lander; he talked Mainah! He giggled and was on his way! God how I love him I thought.
The Anniversary train brings memories of 8PM when a green truck drives up my drive way, and I think perfect timing, as the salads are sitting on the counter and the skillet is waiting for the catch of the day, but wait it is not Bill, it is someone else!
The Game Warden!!!! I greet him and he introduces himself, and then asks, "Holly did Bill go fishing today?" I grinned and said yes, while my mind thought he maybe forgot his license, but I was soon to learn than was not the case! Holly we found Bill's boat but not Bill!" My ears heard that but my brain did not register, I sat on the steps, and my mind raced. Warden Rick Clowry who soon became a very good friend of mine and my children asked if I had family around, friends who could come by, he would not leave until someone was there with me.
The Anniversary train is moving faster now, it is almost in front of me, I don't want get on, I don't want to remember that day when my family and friends had gathered for word on Bill's where abouts, and then it came, Tuesday, July 16th he had been found in 8 feet of water!
Now if Bill knew of this Anniversary train he would smile at me, shake his head and say, don't get on the train, I am not there Honeybunny! Carry my legacy on in your soul, be careful and be safe out there in this world, if you make mistakes you can fix them that is why "God" put erasers on pencils.
Don't get on the train my sweets, go and remember me for I am alive within you, feel me and love me as you did when I was but a mere human, Don't get on the train it goes no place.......
This train will take me down a path I don't wish to go, yet the memories help me to heal yes still after three years, this train is filled with mental pictures of a 4th of July gathering with friends at our home, where we laughed and jumped when the neighbor's fire works went off. There are the memories of sitting in the hot tub on the 5th of July and enjoying the oldies but goodies and sharing a glass of wine together and talking about a day trip we were planning to make on our 8th Anniversary on August 6th.
We were excited to plan it out with details about picnics, and where we would stop to share that picnic of lobster rolls, drink and condiments. We decided not to take the GTO as we were off the woods of Maine and surely it would break down, that was just our luck you know. We would even stop at Small Falls and listen to the sounds created by Mother Nature.
Another glass of wine and a few more songs, then it was in the house to put on our night ware and watch a movie on Netflix and eventually crawl in bed where there was peace and tranquility and always cuddle until sleep finally settled in.
The memory of cutting and splitting wood in the intense heat and humidity of July 2013, Seeing the sweat coming through his shirt and he cut on tree length of wood with "perseverance" as he called it, never once complaining he was hot or tired. How he smiled when he was offered an ice cold lemonade, and I watched as he placed the glass on his sweaty brow, knowing how good it felt to him.
The train has a memory of us sitting on the swing, in the evening after dinner and watching the skies turn from hot pink, to purple to dark gray, another day is over "honeybunny" he would say, and all is well on home front.
On Wednesday July 10 we went for a ride in the GTO around the loop, no moose, no deer were seen, but that was ok, another time we thought. There was always tomorrow. On the way home we stopped to see a child hood friend of mine who lives in Skowhegan, he was a Masonic brother to Bill, both bikers so they had something in common besides me. It was fun sharing about my friend Peter Diller on the way home and how he use to run away, just down the road with Fluff and Nestle's Quik and a spoon! Bill laughed, he loved hear about such things.
On Sunday, July 14th after he had read his emails, done a few things on line and had a great breakfast of eggs, ham, home fries, toast and coffee he announced he was going fishing. He was like a little boy, off on an adventure. I watched as he loaded his little boat on the back of his truck with his new wench, made it easier on his old body he said. Poles packed, worms dug and he was off...a kiss and wave and I'll see you at dark thirty with suppah, yes suppah, despite the fact he was a "flat lander; he talked Mainah! He giggled and was on his way! God how I love him I thought.
The Anniversary train brings memories of 8PM when a green truck drives up my drive way, and I think perfect timing, as the salads are sitting on the counter and the skillet is waiting for the catch of the day, but wait it is not Bill, it is someone else!
The Game Warden!!!! I greet him and he introduces himself, and then asks, "Holly did Bill go fishing today?" I grinned and said yes, while my mind thought he maybe forgot his license, but I was soon to learn than was not the case! Holly we found Bill's boat but not Bill!" My ears heard that but my brain did not register, I sat on the steps, and my mind raced. Warden Rick Clowry who soon became a very good friend of mine and my children asked if I had family around, friends who could come by, he would not leave until someone was there with me.
The Anniversary train is moving faster now, it is almost in front of me, I don't want get on, I don't want to remember that day when my family and friends had gathered for word on Bill's where abouts, and then it came, Tuesday, July 16th he had been found in 8 feet of water!
Now if Bill knew of this Anniversary train he would smile at me, shake his head and say, don't get on the train, I am not there Honeybunny! Carry my legacy on in your soul, be careful and be safe out there in this world, if you make mistakes you can fix them that is why "God" put erasers on pencils.
Don't get on the train my sweets, go and remember me for I am alive within you, feel me and love me as you did when I was but a mere human, Don't get on the train it goes no place.......
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
The Spirit Within: And so God made a dog! Paul Harvey
The Spirit Within: And so God made a dog! Paul Harvey: I was just telling a friend of mine if it had not been for my dog Shanti I would have never survived Bill's death. She gave me a reason...
And so God made a dog! Paul Harvey
I was just telling a friend of mine if it had not been for my dog Shanti I would have never survived Bill's death. She gave me a reason to get up in the morning, and then this poem appeared on facebook and so I googled it..it is read by Paul Harvey, I am not sure if he wrote it or not but I loved it and wanted it as part of my blog!
So God Made A Dog
And on the 9th Day
God looked down on his wide eyed children and said they need a companion
So God made a Dog
God said I need somebody to wake up and give kisses, pee on a tree, sleep all day, wake up again, give more kisses, and then stay up till midnight basking in the glow of the television set.
So God made a Dog
God said I need somebody willing to sit, then stay, then roll over then with no ego or complaint dress in hats they do not need and costumes they do not understand. I need somebody who can break wind without a first thought or second thought. Who can chase tails, sniff crotches, fetch sticks and lift spirits with a lick. Somebody no matter what you didn’t do, or couldn’t take, or didn’t win, or couldn’t make will love you without judgment just the same.
So God made a Dog
God said I need somebody strong enough to pull sleds and find bombs, yet gentle enough to love babies and lead the blind. Somebody who will spend all day on a couch with the resting head and supportive eyes to lift the spirits of a broken heart.
So God made a Dog
It had to be somebody who would remain patient and loyal even thru loneliness. Somebody to care, cuddle, snuggle and nuzzle, and cheer and charm and snore and slobber and eat the trash and chase the squirrels. Somebody who would bring a family together with selflessness of an open heart. Somebody who would bark, and then pant, and then reply with the rapid wag of tail when their best friend says lets go for a ride in the car.
So God made a Dog
God said I need somebody who would stand at your side when the world around you collapses. Somebody to lie next to you during the long nights of pain and sorrow when it hurts to move, or talk, or think, or be. Somebody to stand guard, play games, snore for hours, and repeat as needed. Somebody to give you strength when you have none of your own. Somebody to fight when you have no fight left, to hold onto your soul as if it were their favorite toy, playing tug of war to keep you in this world. Somebody to be your companion and guide in this world and the next. Somebody to wait for you on the other side or stand guard in your absence until they can join you for eternity.
So God made a Dog
Saturday, January 23, 2016
The Spirit Within: At 30 months!
The Spirit Within: At 30 months!: It has been two and half years since the death of my beloved husband, I fumble through each day acting as though all is good and my life ...
At 30 months!
It has been two and half years since the death of my beloved husband, I fumble through each day acting as though all is good and my life has gone on, but deep in my gut I am still waiting for the fish he promised to bring home for dinner that hot and humid day in July. I have good days and bad days, ups and down, some make me laugh, some bring me to tears, but I am doing things that need to be done in "honor of Bill"! Whether it is filling the wood box, which is always low on wood it seems or starting the snow blower to clean up the yard a bit where the snow plow could not reach, it is in "honor of Bill."
I am doing much better this winter than I did the first winter I was alone here, as I look back I honestly do not know how I did it! I was not alone though as friends were always ready, willing and able to help me in any way I needed and to this day some still are! Strange how small your circle of friends gets when you become a widow, especially after this amount of time. I won't go into my thoughts on that, but rest assured some of them make me giggle.
I have done some major repairs to the homestead in the last few months, a new roof has been built and the under pinning of the cabin floors were done! The crew of L&W Builders did a wonderful job and it was such a great time to have them around here five days a week with an occasional visit on the weekend with their 4 wheelers. They filled a void and made me laugh throughout the day!
You know when my husband died I had only one request and that was that my three children find the same kind of love that Bill and I had. One with respect, understanding, compassion, and trust! I am so proud to announce that two of my three have found that kind of love and this year I have a daughter who will be getting married to her best friend! I cant wait to be the mother of the bride and watch her and her man become a family! Now through this wedding I become a grandmother to a little girl, well she is not so little actually she is almost a teenager, but I look forward to meeting her and getting to know her.
My son is the other who has found perfect love, a nice country woman with two precious little girls who are yes ,still little. Oh what fun it is going to be go in the PINK department at Christmas time!
My oldest daughter still has not found the right one, but she is busy with life raising two boys well almost young men now, and I know that some day her future will walk into her life, she just needs a little more time.
Now I have done some dating in the last year, I kind of tested the waters if you will. I haven't found Bill and as of this writing I realize there will never be a "Bill" he was one of a kind. So I need to step back and figure out if I want another man in my life or do I just want an occasional dinner date (dinner date it can be McDonald's or Burger King or LumberJack Lodge). I have a difficult time with people who I know both friends and acquaintances seeing me with another man. True it is none of their business but I just don't want people to think the thoughts they can sometimes think. So I am careful here in this small town....I have been the topic of gossip before when I dated Bill, it was cruel and devastating and I don't want it again!!!
Life goes on even after the death of someone you love so deeply, you are not the same nor will you ever be....things are different, the world is different, life is different. I am looking forward to my life though, the journey has only begun!!!
I am doing much better this winter than I did the first winter I was alone here, as I look back I honestly do not know how I did it! I was not alone though as friends were always ready, willing and able to help me in any way I needed and to this day some still are! Strange how small your circle of friends gets when you become a widow, especially after this amount of time. I won't go into my thoughts on that, but rest assured some of them make me giggle.
I have done some major repairs to the homestead in the last few months, a new roof has been built and the under pinning of the cabin floors were done! The crew of L&W Builders did a wonderful job and it was such a great time to have them around here five days a week with an occasional visit on the weekend with their 4 wheelers. They filled a void and made me laugh throughout the day!
You know when my husband died I had only one request and that was that my three children find the same kind of love that Bill and I had. One with respect, understanding, compassion, and trust! I am so proud to announce that two of my three have found that kind of love and this year I have a daughter who will be getting married to her best friend! I cant wait to be the mother of the bride and watch her and her man become a family! Now through this wedding I become a grandmother to a little girl, well she is not so little actually she is almost a teenager, but I look forward to meeting her and getting to know her.
My son is the other who has found perfect love, a nice country woman with two precious little girls who are yes ,still little. Oh what fun it is going to be go in the PINK department at Christmas time!
My oldest daughter still has not found the right one, but she is busy with life raising two boys well almost young men now, and I know that some day her future will walk into her life, she just needs a little more time.
Now I have done some dating in the last year, I kind of tested the waters if you will. I haven't found Bill and as of this writing I realize there will never be a "Bill" he was one of a kind. So I need to step back and figure out if I want another man in my life or do I just want an occasional dinner date (dinner date it can be McDonald's or Burger King or LumberJack Lodge). I have a difficult time with people who I know both friends and acquaintances seeing me with another man. True it is none of their business but I just don't want people to think the thoughts they can sometimes think. So I am careful here in this small town....I have been the topic of gossip before when I dated Bill, it was cruel and devastating and I don't want it again!!!
Life goes on even after the death of someone you love so deeply, you are not the same nor will you ever be....things are different, the world is different, life is different. I am looking forward to my life though, the journey has only begun!!!
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