Tomorrow is the one year Anniversary

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my husband's death, but this time last year life was still perfect, Bill had completed cutting up the 6 cords of wood to keep our home warm for the winter, he came in hot and sweaty for the July 2013 weather was extremely hot and humid, he showered, wrapped the towel around his waist and plopped down on the couch to watch the news. Dinner was cooking on the stove, venison his favorite, potatoes au gratin, another favorite of his, roasted baby Brussels sprouts, a glass of red wine, and for dessert a ride in the GTO to Gifford's ice cream stand in Skowhegan. Oh wait he did slip on shorts and shirt, LOL. The two of us were so happy. Little did we know that tragedy would strike the very next day.


This blog is not to relive those tragic events, they are written in other pages in this blog, this is a start for a new beginning for me, without the love of my life by my side.  There is not doubt I have come along way in year: I no longer wake each day feeling like I am wearing a lead coat; I am up each morning early which I never did after I retired, but then I had someone to snuggle with, today I have Shanti, somehow that is not the same for me. I can hold conversations that are not about my loss; and, perhaps more importantly, I have had moments of pleasure, which I would never have thought possible a year ago. But I am not "over it!!" My husband's death still take my breath away time and time again. It still stabs me in the heart when I least expect it. Sometimes it takes all my effort and composure to walk into the Backwoods Grill here in Harmony a place he loved to take me out to eat. Sometimes I still cannot believe he has even gone.


I am not the same person anymore nor will I ever be. I have small social comfort zones now and will avoid situations where I am uncomfortable. I will attend small parties with family and friends I trust, but if there is someone there who makes me uncomfortable I will stay home. I know I am alienating myself from others but for now life's about self-reservation and staying strong for myself and my favorite girl Shanti.


Have I reached acceptance?  Not in the way I thought. Acceptance has come to mean a few things to me after a year of grieving. I now realize that grief is not something you can control or rush. Thoughts, memories and worries have had to come along and punch me a number of times before they hit home and it's damn hard work.  I 'll live with grief forever but I'll learn to control it! Sometimes I have to hold the pain inside just to be able to function. It's knowing the awful days do pass. It's knowing I'm still me under the layers of sorrow. It's knowing I can unburden myself of the heavy load now and again and enjoy myself.


Grief feels like waiting for something to happen; acceptance to me is knowing nothing will. No one else is coming home after a "Another great day in the woods gentlemen". No one but I can make myself feel better. There are no sure-all miracles around the corner. Fulfillment has to come from my children and grandchildren and my friends, some of my friends I had to let go of in the last year as they were not allowing me to heal in the manner I was seeking. Some family members have walked away as well, not blood mind you, and I accept their choice, others who are not blood but family, well I feel as though we have bonded and hopefully gotten closer.


I have had to learn to make decisions that I thought I would never have to make, let go of things that as Bill often said are only things, yet as they head down the drive way, my heart breaks a little bit more if that is at all possible. I proved to myself that I could survive a Maine winter, one that was the worse we had in ten years or more. I hauled wood into the house, touching each piece as it were gold for I knew Bill had touched it as well and that gave me strength. Friends helped out making sure I was able to leave my home if need be and for that I will be forever grateful. I learned to pay bills with little or no money left over, so I became conservative not that I wasn't before, that was one of the reasons Bill loved me, I did not need to be pampered or made to feel like a queen, simplicity has always been my motto. Pay your bills and go without is another. I have set goals for my future and I believe when the time comes those goals will all fall in place. For life now is about me and my girl Shanti.


In all honesty, I survived the one year since Bill went fishing on Great Moose Lake, that hot and humid day he kissed me good bye and said, "I'll see you at dark thirty." "I love you." and off he went to one of his favorite places in Harmony never to return home.

Ten months today....

The calendar says ten months, my heart says 100 years, since I last saw his smile, felt his arms around me, heard his not so silly joke. I was told it gets easier, and in reality it does, I suppose, but in my mind and heart every day seems like a challenge.

Life is beginning to fall in place, plans are being made for my tomorrows and yes I get scared and nervous but I have a great support group with my great friends I have made here in Harmony.

As Bill's possessions leave here I am exited to know that the people who wanted will continue to use the things he loved and that in itself tells me that he will live on.

My friends Charlie and Kim will ride their bike with special items used by Bill when he rode his Harley, and that tells me Bill will continue to ride in style and be their Harley angel forever.

Flowers were placed upon his grave for the first time, it was difficult but I heard him say..."Honeybunny, thank you!" When I placed his hunting stick dressed with feathers he wore on our wedding day I heard him say, "Thank you honeybunny, now my spirit can fly free." 

Watching over his grave is a little brown bunny, part of his legacy, in starting the unofficial "Shoot and Release Bunny Club." I still hear stories from these hunters as they end each day with a salute to Bill who always said, "Good day in the woods gentlemen."

Life goes on, sometimes with the most incredible pain in my heart and soul, one step at a time. I thank God each day for what I had with Bill, trust, honesty, companionship, and deep honest to goodness love.

God sent me Bill

It was time in my life for kindness and understanding, someone who would treat me as a woman and know that when a woman says " it's ok" it usually isn't!

It was time in my life for happiness that was pure and not bought but given freely by someone who cared for me, who allowed me to be me, and not always what he wanted me to be or thought I should be.

It was time in my life to do things I wanted to do, decorate a home, mow a lawn, plant a flower garden, go for a ride in the car, a walk in the woods and turn it into a nature hunt for rocks, wildlife, plants, and find a sun warmed nest of pine needles by babbling brook and sit and talk and share dreams.

It was time in my life to have someone who wanted me to be part of his life and to learn things from him like cleaning fish, hunting, cleaning a turkey and plop it into the freezer, survival skills for an unknown tomorrow if you will.

It was time in my life to have someone who would listen to my fears, comfort those fears, someone who would listen as I said things that were important to me and never judged or said I was stupid of thinking such thing.

It was time in my life to enjoy simplicity, no hurry to get anyplace, meet new people, make new friends, to enjoy the sunsets as the skies turned pink and purple. To see the Northern Lights dancing on a cold winter night, to have someone take my hand and walk with me to wherever the path would lead.

Yes it was time and so God sent me Bill....

A Valentine Love Story

Our life was pretty great after only eight years of marriage. We had married late in life, finding each other on Match.com. It was a blessed, loving, happy marriage, sure it took work on both our parts, compromise and being the company of each other came so naturally. There was no strain, no feeling the need to entertain each other, just living and loving and sometimes struggling with finances or daily little problems, but always coming together with support for each other.

Together we had total of six great children and seven wonderful grandchildren who were always a part of our life in one way or another even though they lived miles away from us two old fogies. We heard about their lives and how they were doing through various ways. They are all great American citizens who work hard for a living and for the things they wanted in life. We were proud of them all!

My mother died in August of 2012, things had to be done to clear up the estate, and Bill was my sounding board, always interested in what was best for both my sister and me. After mom died I knew I could spend the rest of my life with Bill without the worry of caring for my mom which my sister and I did for six months before other arrangements had to be made. Our life was full circle..it was our time together to ride the bike, go fishing or hunting, head for Moosehead, or whatever we chose to do.

By June 2013 we had made plans to take many day trips during the summer, that was most fun for us, pack a picnic lunch, stop by a babbling brook and eat and listen to Mother Nature and enjoy her beauty. Head off to no place in particular and find the most interesting things along the way. On July 14th we had gone full circle back to only to me, myself, Bill was dead, gone, deceased from this earth. I had loved him as part of my own soul. He was a loving, kind, husband who treated me and our children with love and respect. He was always doing "random acts of kindness" for those he cared about and even those whom he had just met, He was my best friend, my love, my confidante, my spiritual bosom buddy. How could I live without him? How could the sun rise and shine without him? How could the world go on when the center of whole universe was gone? It does however, friends step up and offer hugs and acts of kindness. So many things go through your head, but you must take your time before you act.

Bill lives on in the face of his children and one of his grand-daughters, she looks just like him really, and acts like him with her sense of humor. He lives on with his hunting buddies remembering him and sharing their thought's of him on face book. He lives on with the wild life that crosses our property. He lives on in every sun that rises and moon that sets.

It's been difficult living without Bill, I have made many mistakes and I am certain I will make more as time goes on, heck I never claimed to be perfect in any way. I will go on with my life in honor of him as someone told me to do not too long ago, and one day when God is ready for me, when my work is done here on earth, I will be with Bill again and together we will begin a new journey.

And each Valentine's Day I will read and play the card he gave me on February 14th 2013. The song is beautiful, sung by George Strait, "I give my heart!" I probably won't eat lobster on Valentine's Day again, but I will think of Bill, and how we danced to the song "Lost in the 50's tonight" right here at home in front of the crackling fire place...

I love you William Witt....Happy Valentine's Day in Heaven...and thank you for the memories....

New Year 2014

With the New Year comes new beginnings and today I am thrilled to take the drivers seat of my new life. Already I have learned a new word for 2014, Polar Vortex, yep it means "wicked cold." And it has been wicked cold for what seems forever, but I have my wood stove to keep me warm, an electric blanket to warm my bed before I crawl in with my favorite girl Shanti, and wonderful warm friends whom I will cherish forever.

I have decided not to worry about things I cannot change, global warming, (wait should I put that in here with Polar Vortex?) taxes, our messed up government, poor postal service in Harmony, things like that. Nay!!  I do need to think about change, do I want to live in Harmony for the rest of my life? Do I want to haul wheelbarrows of wood in the house when I am 70? (which is only a few years away by the way). Do I want to maintain a huge lawn once I get my mower fixed by a young man whom I know will do an excellent job? Do I want to live away from my children and grandchildren for the rest of my life and miss so much of their lives? Do I want to depend on others, (me who is pretty independent and has a hard time to ask for help) so I can remain in Harmony? The answer to that is probably not!

Winter is a difficult time to do much for change, however, I can jot down things that I think of and come spring begin the process of weeding out things here. I can begin the process of going through Bill's personal possessions like photo albums, loose pictures of his life before Holly, and give them to his children who deserve them for future generations. These simple things can be done on a snowy winter day for sure.

Yep I look forward to change even if it is minute like vacuuming dust off the many mounts here at the house. Or looking for homes in NC and dreaming..it is okay to dream, after all, if you dream hard enough it may become reality.

Anyway, I wish all a Happy New Year! One filled with love, kindness, warmth, and enough friends to help you out if you need them. God Bless Us All.

Interview with Santa...

I was very fortunate to obtain a phone number directly to the North Pole, where I was able to speak with mighty elf himself, Santa Claus. I had dropped him a note asking if I might do an interview with him for my Spirit Within Blog, and his reply was, "Of Course Holly for I am the SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS." And so the interview began!

Holly: How long have you lived at the North Pole Santa?
Santa: For many, many, many, years Holly, it is special magical place for me and wife and my working elves. We even have our own post-office where mail is delivered every hour on the half hour.
Holly: How many letters do you receive a year Santa?
Santa: Oh anywhere between 700,000 to 1,000,000.
Holly: Are they all from children?
Santa: No sometimes I receive letters from mom's and dad's, asking for special miracles for their children. Sometimes they are the most difficult letters to read.
Holly: Do you receive letters from people in heaven?
Santa: Oh yes! These are the ones Mrs. Claus and I read together, while drinking our hot chocolate and eating a cookie or two. In fact Holly you just sit back for a minute if you would. (Santa rose from his chair and proceeded to his huge oak desk piled high with mail. He sorted through a pile and pulled one out and returned back to his chair)
Santa: Holly I have a letter here from your husband Bill who is celebrating his first Christmas in heaven. May I read it to you?
Holly: Yes please Santa!
Santa: Dear Santa,
This is my first Christmas in heaven, it is absolutely beautiful here I might add, we are slowly getting decorated for celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. Lights are going up on our trees and walkways burn brightly with glowing candles. It is spectacular Santa, just spectacular!

Santa? My main reason for writing to you is to ask you to let Holly, my wife know that I am fine, I miss her so much and I love her dearly. I see her tears and I try to wipe them from her cheek, I see her loneliness and I try to give her strength. I see how much she loves our home that we built together, but I also see that she has thoughts of moving on where she will be closer to her family and I want her to know that is okay to do.

You know Santa, Holly so loved Christmas, she was like a little girl, so eager for Christmas morning, and me, well I was just an old Ebenezer Scrooge, but it was done in fun Santa, for I loved how Holly decorated our home for the Christmas season, heck we were the only ones on our road who had loads of decorations. I was so proud of how our home looked Santa.

I know this Christmas is going to be difficult for Holly, Santa, so if you could, would you give her a hug for me, and tell her I love her, and I am not far away from her. The flicker light in the dining room is me, I have been there constantly for several days to watch over her for I see she has been distressed. The wildlife she has been seeing over the last few days is my Christmas gift to her, she loves the animals of the forest as much as I did and I still do Santa.

Give Holly, my children Derek, Chris and Crystal and my step-children, Rebecca, Jodi and Anthony all hugs for me and let them know that at this time of year family is so very important to be with. Let them know I am OK, I am at peace, and especially happy to see that Holly has made new friends since my passing.

Again Santa, tell Holly I love her, I am proud of how she is taking care of things in the winter weather. She has her life to live and I want her to be happy and when her time comes I will be there waiting with my arms opened and together we will rejoice in our love for each other.

Thanks Santa, have a safe travel day.

Warmest Regards,
Bill Witt

Holly: Thank you Santa...God Bless you!!

24,455 days ago more or less.

Sounds like a lot doesn't it, but it is only 67 years ago today that Eugene and Myrtle Witt gave birth to a son, a son who learned to crawl, to speak, to go to school and become the man most everyone was happy to know.

Sure he was in trouble as a teen, he and a buddy Billy Vantassel were always looking for trouble, and Bill Witt found he was offered two choices, jail time or Vietnam, he chose the USMC and Vietnam, back then most trouble makers took the second choice. Should be done today if you ask me, military time for offenders!

He became a father and a business man, a NASCAR modified driver a sport he loved, a hunter, a friend to many, and my loving husband. He became a grandfather to two little girls and later in life a grandson. He was a Mason, a proud a righteous organization, and he withheld their values.

He loved working on cars, his trade actually, and restored many GTO's in his lifetime. He loved hunting and fishing, but was not too keen on trapping it was a lot of work to check the traps every day he thought.  He loved Moosehead and often as a young man, went to his parents camp on the lake, wishing he had the foresight to buy the property when they sold it.

He loved his friends and would do anything for them from insulating an attic, to shooting skunks that invaded people's property, to sitting with our friend when someone came by to clean her chimney, he was there with a smile and glad I could help attitude!!

He loved his children and his step children and was proud of them all for the many accomplishments they achieved. He fought various types cancers for years, one life threatening, but he never ever complained or said "why me?"

He was an excellent husband who was always willing to help out with "women chores" as he called them. He loved Maine and the four seasons it offered him, so he moved to Maine from Massachusetts and found a camp in Harmony. called it home or as the sign on the front porch reads, "Witt's End".

The love of my life died on July 16th so the certificate of death reads, actually that was the day his body was recovered from Great Moose Lake. He now is with  his family who went before him, and I am sure he has lots to say to them even though in life he never talked much.

So today, 24,455 more or less days ago a great man was born, my husband, William Arthur Witt, Happy Birthday in Heaven my love. God Bless you!!

Father and sons!!!