Notes from the Road 2014

Tempus fugit: Time flies!!

And it truly does, it seems like only a few weeks ago I was planning my winter escape from Maine because the Farmers Almanac predicted another harsh winter filled with lots of snow and "wicked" cold temperatures.  So far I hear from family and friends snow fell in November and nothing but cold in December so I guess so far the Almanac was right.

Anyway, my road trip began on November 15th with my daughter Jodi, as we left the LumberJack Lodges in Harmony I seemed to be at peace with the decision to head south and spend time with my children and grandchildren and become a real grandmother, something I had never had the opportunity to be as all my children lived out of state. 

The road trip was perfect, no snow, no bad weather to speak off, minimal traffic, of course I was not driving so to me it was minimal!  Two dogs in the back seat, one who was prepared for the long trip and one who thought she was headed for an hour trip to see Aunt Vicki.  Shanti did so well though I am truly proud of my little girl. 

We arrived at my son's home in NC on Friday, the day after we left Maine, we should have waited for him to arrive home from work as his dog Liam, the boxer Pit, was doing his job in protecting his home and bit Shanti!!  Fortunately it was nothing serious and she healed in a few days. 

At my son's home I was able to get to know his two boys and to also see what a wonderful dad my son is. His life is composed around work and his boys, as it should be also caring for him home. Lots of work for a single dad but he does it without complaint. 

Andre, Johnny and I had much fun together, getting to known each other is so many ways, AJ is an extrovert who loves to watch football and any other sport that come on TV. He kept me updated on plays and players since it had been about 12 years since I even watched a football game. Johnny on the other hand is an introvert and is usually off by himself playing a war game in the "bonus room". I am amazed at his "eye of the tiger" skills, however, I knew he had that skill when Bill told me long ago that Johnny is truly a marksman.  

Life at Tony's was good, cooking for my three boys was great although I quickly learned that my cooking skills had depleted much since Bill died, a no brainer bologna sandwich is good enough for me when at home.   I watched 3 dogs, Liam the boxer pit who chews anything and everything except the toilet and he would do that if he could drag it to his pillow near the fireplace. Liam a lab and pit who is gentle as an angel on four legs, her ultimate goal is to be a good girl and pray that Liam wont destroy anything. And of course my little girl Shanti who had a big adjustment to city life, neighbors, squirrels and other dogs. 

Time fled by quickly and Shanti and I were on the road to my daughters in Georgia, where we will spend a few weeks. Her home is lovely and it looks like a nice neighborhood for her to be in, she is not too far from work and Shanti and Gomer, Jodi's dog get along fine. 

And so my journey continues for the winter. Stay tuned for Chapter 2  in a few weeks. 

In the meantime please accept my wishes for a wonderful 2015!  May all your dreams come true!! 

Out of the mouth of babes!

Children are God's gift to us and although some times you could pull your hair out because of how they act there are more times in life when they pull at your heart strings and fill you with love and pride, and that is just happened to me on Thanksgiving Saturday.

My daughter Rebecca and her two boys Nick and Jack drove down from Virginia to my son's home in NC to spend the Thanksgiving weekend with us, arriving late in the evening. On Saturday morning the turkey was stuffed and placed in the oven which soon filled the home with the scent of turkey. Yumm!!  Vegetables were peeled and set in pots of water on top of the stove waiting for the proper time for the burners to be turned on.


Thanksgiving #2 without my husband had begun!  We gathered 'round the table and while the plates were being filled to the rim we gave shout outs of thanks each one of us thanking for good health, family, and a home filled with love. Laughter and love filled the room as we ate to our hearts content, stuffing, potatoes, squash, fruit salad, and of course cranberries to help cleanse the pallet from turkey and way too much gravy.

All too soon dinner was over and a new celebration began, remembering Grampa Bill and his 68th birthday, his second in heaven. Helium balloons had been purchased earlier in the day and words of endearment written on them for Grampa to read when they reached the heavens.  I shared my "energy bag" which my children made for me prior to their leaving Harmony in July of 2013.  A poem was found that was given to me by Margie "Softspoken" Decker, a native American therapist who helped Bill become at peace with life.  Andre, my grandson, shared the poem with us all, it bought tears with not only the words he spoke, but they way he spoke them, with so much love.

Johnny my youngest grandson had scooted upstairs where he spends a lot of time playing games, but once the poem was done he spoke to me over the railing and said, "Grammy can I show them something from your room about Grampa Bill?" "Of course you can Johnny." Now I was thinking a photo I had brought with me, however, as I heard him coming down the stairs I saw he had urn in which Bill's ashes were placed. I watched as he held the urn close to his body, being so very careful with each step so as not fall and break the vessel. He placed it on the table gently scooting it away from the edge and said, "Grampy Bill will be with Grammy forever."  And then gave his me a warm and gentle hug! My heart melted and the tears trickled down my cheek.

It was now time for the release of the balloons, so the seven of us went out doors and sang happy birthday to Grampa Bill and released the balloons watching them as they gently floated away to who knows where.  I'd like to think they went to heaven where Bill smiled as he often did when the boys did something that touched his heart.

The Thanksgiving celebration of 2014 was two fold, both of them filled with love! 

The Spirit Within: Moving on!

The Spirit Within: Moving on!: Moving on is something that is not easy at all. It's very, very difficult especially when you love someone as much as I loved Bill.  It...

Moving on!

Moving on is something that is not easy at all. It's very, very difficult especially when you love someone as much as I loved Bill.  It has been 14 months now and I honestly feel I am doing pretty dog gone well at adjusting to life without him. Sure I have days of incredible heart ache but it is not often.

Slowly and with help from my children and Bill's son Derek and daughter Crystal, things Bill loved his personal things now are in their homes for them to enjoy. The Harmony buck stays here with me as does the floor mount bear, his spirit lives in those so those are mine.

I have made our cabin mine now! Mounts are gone and I must admit I can breath so much better, I tried to keep them clean but I was not very successful. His closet still has a few things of his in it, but basically I now have another closet for my junk!  The hunting closet is now a pantry more or less for appliances I don't use often any more. When I open the "pantry" doors however, Bill's scent is still in there..or is it doe pee? No matter it is a scent I love.

This summer reunited me with a long lost classmate! We have talked for hours and hours like teenagers and laughed and laughed over silly things that happened in high school and junior high, to bring these memories up some 47 years later does both our hearts good.  Laughing is so good for the soul you know.  We met for lunch at my favorite place out of Harmony..Dysarts!  I saw him for the first time as a man, WOW!!  Quite a transformation from a skinny kid who was college bound to the man he is today. We are friends...it is good!

I am so very lucky in life, sure I have been dealt some pretty mean and nasty blows but it has made me a stronger person, today thanks to a wonderful chiropractor I am healing naturally through gentle techniques that are used and holistic healing through Reiki.  Doubters it works. I was at a point in life that I could not even fasten a bra without dropping to the floor from pain in my arms, sure I did things around here but I had no choice and I suffered so after. Today my arms are healing as is the rest of my body.  In a few weeks I should be good to go to wherever it is my path goes.

So I am moving on in life. Winter comes to Maine quickly this year it seems, or is this late fall, who knows, all I know is that I am so very lucky to have such wonderful children who care about their mom, and let it be known by there actions and cute posts of facebook. I have wonderful friends whom I love and care about so very much.

Enjoy life my friends and family....it is short so make it sweet. Don't look for perfection, simple is good, look at the sunset and the sun rise it happens every day and every night, sometimes cloud cover over shadows it's beauty so it proves not all is perfect. Love deeply, be passionate about yourself and those you love, if someone wrongs you, walk away, they are not worthy of you nor your time. Let them talk about you, raise your head high to there rude and childish comments and just walk away, Life is too short....remember....you could go fishing on a sunny summer day and never come back!

M O V I N G      O N !!!!

Our 9th wedding anniversary!!!

Today's blog will be short but so very sweet!

 

August 6 is our wedding anniversary, and today marks nine years since I said “I do” to my heart, my love, and my best friend. 

 

We had come so far in a few short years together and although every moment wasn't perfect, each day together had been such a blessing in my life.

 

 

No one could make me laugh, comfort me in tough times, make me feel absolutely beautiful everyday, and keep me feeling protected like my husband could.

 

 

Last year I survived our 8th anniversary alone, it had only been 21 days since his unexpected death.  Today, I will honor our day simply, as we did together, a ride to Moosehead for lunch, stop at the lake and enjoy the God given beauty of Maine. I will recall our wedding day and the family and friends who gathered for the celebration of a man and woman so very much in love. And I will recall how thankful we were to have found each other so late in life.

HAPPY 9th ANNIVERSARY MY LOVE!!!!!!!!



 

Tomorrow is the one year Anniversary

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my husband's death, but this time last year life was still perfect, Bill had completed cutting up the 6 cords of wood to keep our home warm for the winter, he came in hot and sweaty for the July 2013 weather was extremely hot and humid, he showered, wrapped the towel around his waist and plopped down on the couch to watch the news. Dinner was cooking on the stove, venison his favorite, potatoes au gratin, another favorite of his, roasted baby Brussels sprouts, a glass of red wine, and for dessert a ride in the GTO to Gifford's ice cream stand in Skowhegan. Oh wait he did slip on shorts and shirt, LOL. The two of us were so happy. Little did we know that tragedy would strike the very next day.


This blog is not to relive those tragic events, they are written in other pages in this blog, this is a start for a new beginning for me, without the love of my life by my side.  There is not doubt I have come along way in year: I no longer wake each day feeling like I am wearing a lead coat; I am up each morning early which I never did after I retired, but then I had someone to snuggle with, today I have Shanti, somehow that is not the same for me. I can hold conversations that are not about my loss; and, perhaps more importantly, I have had moments of pleasure, which I would never have thought possible a year ago. But I am not "over it!!" My husband's death still take my breath away time and time again. It still stabs me in the heart when I least expect it. Sometimes it takes all my effort and composure to walk into the Backwoods Grill here in Harmony a place he loved to take me out to eat. Sometimes I still cannot believe he has even gone.


I am not the same person anymore nor will I ever be. I have small social comfort zones now and will avoid situations where I am uncomfortable. I will attend small parties with family and friends I trust, but if there is someone there who makes me uncomfortable I will stay home. I know I am alienating myself from others but for now life's about self-reservation and staying strong for myself and my favorite girl Shanti.


Have I reached acceptance?  Not in the way I thought. Acceptance has come to mean a few things to me after a year of grieving. I now realize that grief is not something you can control or rush. Thoughts, memories and worries have had to come along and punch me a number of times before they hit home and it's damn hard work.  I 'll live with grief forever but I'll learn to control it! Sometimes I have to hold the pain inside just to be able to function. It's knowing the awful days do pass. It's knowing I'm still me under the layers of sorrow. It's knowing I can unburden myself of the heavy load now and again and enjoy myself.


Grief feels like waiting for something to happen; acceptance to me is knowing nothing will. No one else is coming home after a "Another great day in the woods gentlemen". No one but I can make myself feel better. There are no sure-all miracles around the corner. Fulfillment has to come from my children and grandchildren and my friends, some of my friends I had to let go of in the last year as they were not allowing me to heal in the manner I was seeking. Some family members have walked away as well, not blood mind you, and I accept their choice, others who are not blood but family, well I feel as though we have bonded and hopefully gotten closer.


I have had to learn to make decisions that I thought I would never have to make, let go of things that as Bill often said are only things, yet as they head down the drive way, my heart breaks a little bit more if that is at all possible. I proved to myself that I could survive a Maine winter, one that was the worse we had in ten years or more. I hauled wood into the house, touching each piece as it were gold for I knew Bill had touched it as well and that gave me strength. Friends helped out making sure I was able to leave my home if need be and for that I will be forever grateful. I learned to pay bills with little or no money left over, so I became conservative not that I wasn't before, that was one of the reasons Bill loved me, I did not need to be pampered or made to feel like a queen, simplicity has always been my motto. Pay your bills and go without is another. I have set goals for my future and I believe when the time comes those goals will all fall in place. For life now is about me and my girl Shanti.


In all honesty, I survived the one year since Bill went fishing on Great Moose Lake, that hot and humid day he kissed me good bye and said, "I'll see you at dark thirty." "I love you." and off he went to one of his favorite places in Harmony never to return home.

Ten months today....

The calendar says ten months, my heart says 100 years, since I last saw his smile, felt his arms around me, heard his not so silly joke. I was told it gets easier, and in reality it does, I suppose, but in my mind and heart every day seems like a challenge.

Life is beginning to fall in place, plans are being made for my tomorrows and yes I get scared and nervous but I have a great support group with my great friends I have made here in Harmony.

As Bill's possessions leave here I am exited to know that the people who wanted will continue to use the things he loved and that in itself tells me that he will live on.

My friends Charlie and Kim will ride their bike with special items used by Bill when he rode his Harley, and that tells me Bill will continue to ride in style and be their Harley angel forever.

Flowers were placed upon his grave for the first time, it was difficult but I heard him say..."Honeybunny, thank you!" When I placed his hunting stick dressed with feathers he wore on our wedding day I heard him say, "Thank you honeybunny, now my spirit can fly free." 

Watching over his grave is a little brown bunny, part of his legacy, in starting the unofficial "Shoot and Release Bunny Club." I still hear stories from these hunters as they end each day with a salute to Bill who always said, "Good day in the woods gentlemen."

Life goes on, sometimes with the most incredible pain in my heart and soul, one step at a time. I thank God each day for what I had with Bill, trust, honesty, companionship, and deep honest to goodness love.